Mum

A year ago, I wrote this blog post.

After her funeral, my dad asked me to dye a special colourway in my mum’s honour. He had very specific colours in mind. (Those of you who know my father are cringing right now, aren’t you?) And a name.

But nothing was ever quite right.

After May 23, 2012, colour changed. How I perceive it. How I see it. How I mix it. It’s all different now. You may have noticed. Or it may be so subtle a change that only I can see it. I have no way of knowing.

I tried. A few times. In my head. In the pot.

Nothing was ever quite right.

Then in December, I asked Ron to dye me a pretty pretty blue to knit on my vacation.

And he did.

It was several weeks, months even, before I could say it out loud. This is my mum’s favourite colour, in all its subtle variations. It’s perfect. It’s hers.

I tried to come up with clever name. I was told it was my job and that there would be no Ron’ing of the name.

There isn’t a clever, funny name. It’s just Mum.

After my mum died, I heard from so many people. It was overwheming and yet the most comforting experience of my life. I haven’t known how to say thank you.

So instead, this.

This is for you if you wrote me to say you words weren’t enough. Because they were. And now when I do the same, I know mine are too.

This is for you if you told me it would come in waves. It does. And when it does, I think of you and hope you feel some of the same comfort when the waves come for you.

This is for you if you planted a hydrangea bushes in exactly this colour in honour of your mum and mine. (yes, you)

This is for you if you emailed me sketches and asked for input on your design to distract me for just a little while. It was exactly what I needed. Thank you for knowing.

(it totally worked)

If you acted as de facto food deliverers and burst into tears when you saw the colour of the casket was the same colour as my mum’s kitchen (her favourite room) and essentially kept me from falling on my face for the past year…I know you don’t knit, but this is for you too. (I won’t tell you we really chose it because it was the cheapest one😉 )

If you told me it would fucking suck. You were right. Knit up.

If you donated in my mum’s name, prompting letters to my dad that he still talks about with tears in his eyes and his voice…this is yours.

And if you also lost someone special to you this year (yes, you, you and of course, you)…this is so much for you.